" i can not do everything i've always
done, and that's okay...."


" i think..."

I FINISHED MY FIRST SET OF BLOCKS FOR A CUSTOMER AND WANTED TO SHARE THEM WITH YOU GUYS. I ACTUALLY FINISHED THEM A MONTH OR SO AGO AND I HAVE ANOTHER IN THE WORKS RIGHT NOW THAT I'M HOPING TO FINISH THIS WEEK. IT'S FUN BUT SCARY TO DO SOMETHING SPECIFIC FOR A CUSTOMER I COULD SEE DOING SETS AND JUST SELLING THEM AS IS BUT MAKING THEM SO PERSONAL FOR SOMEBODY HAS BEEN HARD BECAUSE I'M SO SCARED OF SCREWING THEM UP BUT THEY TURNED OUT FAB AND I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH THE NEXT SET.

"life doesn't get easier just because
you wish it to be...."

" i cannot do everything....."

I MET WITH MY THERAPIST TODAY AND HE SAID RACHEL THERE ARE SOMETHINGS YOU NEED TO MENTALLY CLING TO EVERYDAY WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING TO DO WHAT'S HEALTHY FOR YOU LIKE SAYING NO OR NOT FINISHING MY LIST SO I DECIDED THAT I'D START A NEW WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT BLOG POST CALLED "TODAY'S REALIZATION" I THOUGHT TODAY'S WAS PARTICULARLY PROFOUND AND IF I CAN REMEMBER AND ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT, I THINK IT MIGHT CHANGE MY LIFE...

I KNOW IF I ASKED ANY OF MY CHRISTIAN FRIENDS OR A "BELIEVER" HOW TO FIND COMFORT THEY'D SAY JESUS OR GOD, PRAYER OR THE BIBLE BUT WHAT IF FOR ONCE YOU WANTED OR NEEDED SOMETHING MORE TANGIBLE? WHO OR WHAT DOES THE NONBELIEVER TURN TO IN TIME OF NEED? I LOVE THE SONG ANGEL BY SARAH MCLACHLAN AND LISTENED TO IT TODAY THE LYRICS HAVE JUST STRICKEN SUCH A CORD WITH ME THE LAST FEW MONTHS IN MY SEARCH FOR COMFORT AND PEACE IN SIDE A MIND THAT FEELS SO TORTURED. WHERE WOULD YOU TURN FOR COMFORT? A FRIEND? SPOUSE? A SUBSTANCE?

REFLECT ON THE LYRICS FOR A MINUTE TO SEE A BIT OF INSIGHT INTO MY HEART.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

MY FIRST ROOMMATE TOLD ME THE FIRST NIGHT " RACHEL, WHENEVER YOU FEEL DOWN A BOUT BEING IN THIS PLACE JUST REMEMBER IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ON A PLANE AND THE STEWARDESS SAYS MOMS IF YOU ARE TRAVELING WITH SMALL CHILDREN PUT YOUR MASK ON FIRST THEN HELP THE CHILD...RACHEL, YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR MASK ON NOW SO YOU CAN BE HERE FOR YOUR FAMILY LATER.....

SO YEAH I SAID ROOMMATE I'VE SPENT THE LAST FEW WEEKS AT THE CRISIS PSYCH CENTER AT THE RRMC BECAUSE I TRIED TO TAKE MY LIFE. I THOUGHT LONG AND HARD ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT TO WRITE THE THIS POST AND DECIDED I HAD TO GET THIS OUT OF ME I NEEDED TO SHARE NO MATTER HOW PERSONAL IT IS BECAUSE I'M NOT ASHAMED TO SAY I'VE GOT PROBLEMS BECAUSE I'M DEALING WITH THEM I'VE GOTTEN HELP EVEN THOUGHT IT WAS WITH RESISTANCE AT FIRST AT I'M HOME NOW AND WORKING HARD EACH DAY TO RESIST THE URGE TO HURT MYSELF AGAIN AND TO MOVE FORWARD WITH MY LIFE. I WANTED TO WRITE THIS TOO TO APOLOGIZE TO MY FRIENDS FOR BEING DISHONEST ABOUT THE PERSON I AM FOR HIDING MY EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS FROM YOU FOR SAYING YES WHEN I WISHED TO SAY NO FOR GIVING UP MY SELF VALUE FOR THE SAKE OF ACCEPTANCE, I KNOW NOW IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE ME AND WHILE I STRUGGLE TO FIND A WAY TO LOVE RACHEL HELL, EVEN LIKE RACHEL IT'S SOMETHING I'M WORKING TO DO.

MATT AND I WILL BE MAKING SOME CHANGES IN OUR LIFE ABOUT ACTIVITIES WE PARTICIPATE IN, IN ORDER TO NOT STRETCH OURSELVES SO THIN SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL IF WE SAY NO WE LOVE OUR FRIENDS WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE THIS ALL OUT. I HAVE 6 MONTH TO A YEAR (AT LEAST) OF THERAPY AHEAD OF ME AND THAT'S ONLY IF I HAVE NO RELAPSES.

I WANT TO THANK SOME VERY SPECIAL NEW FRIENDS OF MINE FROM 4SW @ RRMC RUEBEN, WALLACE, MARY, KENDRA, BETH, KATIE, STEPHANIE, ARIANA, ADRIENNE, CASIE, BLAKE, MAC, EDWIN, KEN , MO ,MYRON, KAHTRYN, MISTY AND MANY MORE FOR MAKING LIFE MORE BEARABLE DURING MY LONG AND FRUSTRATING STAY.

THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO WAS SHARE A POEM WITH YOU GUYS THAT I WROTE WHILE I WAS IN THERE CALLED...

ISOLATION

I'M LOCKED IN HELL ON EARTH
CAGES ON THE WINDOWS
SOULS THIRST FOR REBIRTH
DARKNESS LOOMS DAY & NIGHT
IN & OUT OF GROUPS I STUMBLE
FOR MY LIFE & MIND I FIGHT
INNER SCREAMS OF PAIN & FEAR
REALITY IS WHAT WE LIVE HERE
NO TIME TO SUGAR COAT THE TRUTH
WE ARE WHO WE ARE
DOWN TO THE VERY ROOTS
ISOLATED & RESTLESS THE NIGHTS PASS SLOWLY
I LAY WISHING I WAS ANYWHERE BUT HERE
WISHING I WAS OUT THESE CAGED WALLS
WHERE ON MY OWN
I MUST TRY NOT TO FALL

* HAPPY 4TH FROM THE DEALEY MONSTER *

D's : BIRTHDAY what a day it was we had a great turn out of wonderful friends and family. D got tons of presents even though no one was supposed to bring them and he had a blast. Loved is cupcake and ate the entire thing. The first bite was tentative and he looked at us like can I really have this?! But it didn't take long before he tore it up. A couple of other great moments were when is great aunt Jeri played his birthday song which was "we have to fight for the right to party"! She's nuts but he loved it, next year there will be video of him dancing to it. He got a ROMO jersey from his daddy which he loves and a cool push/ride on cars car from his uncle Chris. Plus shoes and clothes and toys galore and oh, aunt Jeri also got us a car that makes noise and yeah it doesn't have an off button. who's genius idea was that? The kids splashed in the water and i did a life size cutout of Aliza (our dear friends daughter) because she couldn't be there and it freaked so many people out but she made it around in lots of pictures and appeared to have a blast the whole night! So here's a handful of pictures from his first birthday. If you check out my sister-in-laws blog there is a little video of D dancing with his uncle Chad, it's about two or three post down. Enjoy.

Love this next picture, the 3 cousins : Ella, Dealey & Ethan (he's snoozing in the background)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.....not to steal D's thunder or anything but it's my birthday and it seems on your birthday you're supposed to take time to reflect on your life where you've been and what you hope for in the future. And besides this is my blog, not Dealey's despite his clams to ownership. So I'm 29. Yeah it's been 29 years since I graced this planet and while I've never been sure of my purpose here I suppose I have accomplished quite a bit and should feel good about those things. I don't know what the future holds for me and honestly I don't know if I care. I think we all get to those moments where we're good to just live each day. I'm at that moment where the future does nothing but frustrate and exhaust me and honestly I don't know if I'm up for it. So today is happy 29th tomorrow is....I don't know.

12 months & on the move....no dealey's not walking yet though he's taken a few steps on his on. he is always moving, climbing, crawling and coasting. I'll have more of an update later but I wanted to get his 12 month bumbo posted.

on the rachel front, I had my lumbar puncture today and it went pretty well, we do not know much yet but will have a follow up with the dr later this week. i'm at home resting and taking pain meds to ease the discomfort. I'll keep the blog updated as I find out more.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEALEY! i can't believe our little man is a year old! I have tons of pictures from his party to share but that'll be another post. I also have his 1 year bumbo picture I'll try to upload that later this week. As happy a week it is in Dealey's world it's a bit grim for me. I have a lumbar puncture scheduled for tomorrow morning that will hopefully alleviate the pain and pressure I've been living with. happy 29th to me huh? Here's a sweet picture of our little man in the pool, one of his most favorite things to do.

halloween in may : a little spider tale This isn't some great story but here's the deal. I stupidly bought a halloween costume last october not knowing how my kid would grow and I got a 12-18 month. If logic pertained to kids it makes sense he'll only be 16 months in October so surely it would fit right? Well as he grew and we realized at 9 months when he was wearing 12-18 month clothes this was definitely going to be a problem. So I made a mental note that as summer came we were going to have to try it on at some point and get pictures because there is no way he'll be wearing it for halloween.

We were all playing in his room one afternoon and I glanced at his closet and noticed the spider costume, I looked at Matt and told him we should try that on him and take pictures if it fits. It looks so huge on the hanger but in fact it fit him quite well a little baggy in the legs because he's skinny but length wise fit him pretty perfect. Dealey was no amused even a little that we were trying to put him in this strange out fit with parts sticking off of it, but he was a good sport and you'll see, he even at the end of it was still offering the camera his sippy cup.
He did make a cute little spider, now I have to find a new costume. This one is for sale if anyone wants it ($10), only worn once for about 15 minutes! I wonder size he'll actually be wearing in October, we'll see. My guess 18-24 but I could be wrong as we've already begun to buy and wear that size now granted they're a little big but not by much.
Since I'm writing I'd thought I'd do a little Dealey update while I'm at it. He turns one in just under a week, which is so cool. He currently has 5 teeth on top coming in all at once, it's been a joy :oO. I got him this little play cell phone so he'd leave mine alone (works every once in a while) and he loves to pick it up and he will sit in the floor and have a full on conversation with no one, it cracks me up and of course he's speaking some crazy language so that makes it all the more interesting. He climbs on and over everything. I do think he looks for the toughest route sometimes and choose to take it. He is moments away from walking he's down to holding one hand and is very steady when he is on his feet. He's stood alone a few times when he excitedly grabs a toy with both hands. One thing I'm totally fascinated by is how he has figured things out. How they work how things go in things, the opening of the cell phone and holding it to his ear, grabbing the remote for the tv and pointing it at the tv while pushing multiple buttons at one time. We didn't teach him these things he just...figures them out.

We're having a big birthday party for him this weekend so I'll have lots of pictures to post after that, which will include some shots of our backyard looking so pretty which we are so excited about and the renovated guest bath which looks gorgeous! Now the spiddy pics!

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, as if anyone is checking, but let's pretend you are....so sorry. I still need to do my Halloween in May post even though it's now June :o( But wanted to blog a short post about a new blog that I love it's a baby blog and they talk about all sorts of cool stuff, best thing, there is a coupon tab for different websites. What I love most is that these aren't your typical baby spots, their more unique and interesting! Check it out when you get a chance it's the first link under my inspirations or click here: Luxury Baby Blog

11 month pics : finally : we took the pics on Saturday but it's been a bit crazy around here. turns out D's sickness was some 24 hour bug but the diarrhea that is because of new teeth! yeah! the picture after the 11 month collage is a little something for grandpa Rick....."so big" Dealey's new favorite thing to do and to have you do with him. my next post : halloween in may : you're intrigued already i know... but you'll have to wait.

: SO BIG :

11 months old : and we're sick. Yup this morning and day has been interesting. D didn't want to get up this morning he ended up sleeping until 10:30 and the only reason he got up is because I got him up. I dressed him and we headed to Suz's for a trip to IKEA. Well, we get there and go straight to the bistro to get our food, get the kids settled and then it begins. I mean Dealey seemed off to me but he didn't have a fever just seemed really mellow and lethargic for him. But right as we sat down he began to throw up and I have never seen that much liquid come out of him, his clothes were drenched, seriously drenched....so Suz ran a grabbed napkins and we started cleaning and cleaning trying to get it all up, then we stripped D down to his diaper and he seemed to be better. Then I decided he had to be cold and yes, what you're thinking is right. I had no extra clothes so my kid was in the middle of the IKEA bistro in nothing but his diaper. Luckily Suz had an extra little hoodie for Mag's so we but it on D it was brown which is neutral with this nice little ruffled edge it was fabulous. We left shortly after that and headed home. Now D is sleeping which is all he's done today and after a chat with the nurse at his dr.'s office he's on pedialite through today and as long as he keeps it down then tomorrow morning we can try some cheerios and a half strength formula bottle. So needless to say I haven't gotten a bumbo pic yet today but maybe when Matt gets home and can help me.

Other new developments. D is one crazy chatter box and tells us the most fantastic stories all the time. He moves around like a mad man and will take a few steps now only holding one hand instead of two (he still prefers two, but he'll indulge us every once in a while). The big one...he is FEARLESS trying to climb anything and everything. He's eating everything well, he's had his first brisket, spaghetti & a chick-fil-a nugget this month! He's a very happy growing boy. He won't go in for a check up until he's 12 months but we guess he's grown about 2 inches in the last two months and is holding steady at about 20-21lbs.

I can't believe he'll be 1 in just a month! It's very exciting for sure we are loving this stage but are looking forward to what's to come. Watch for his pics later today or tomorrow.

: new find : you have to check out this great site ThreePotatoFour really fun and unique home decor, paper goods, kid stuff, etc. love it!

{ big thank you } to my Matty for making my first mother's day a wonderful one. Of course I wished and hoped for something sweet but now I have a lot to live up to for father's day although last year I gave him a son so not sure how top that! Matt gave me the sweetest card and it was filled with some of the most beautiful words but one word that stuck out most to me was the word "proud" he's so proud of me and I wish could adequately express to him how much it means to me to hear that from him.

Enclosed in the card was the first of 3 wonderful gifts. A book mark which I desperately needed just a few weeks ago he was making fun of me using the wrapper from a cough drop to mark my place in this book I'm reading { Eat, Pray, Love }. But what makes the book mark special is that it has part of the quote that's on my blog page "Believe in the beauty of your dreams." so sweet. My second gift was equally sweet an electric ice cream maker, which I know we will have fun with this summer! My third gift is a necklace that my good friend Jana has been commissioned to make for me. Matt had her make a necklace for me a few years ago for our anniversary with a saphire charm and I wear it almost every day. I don't have the necklace yet but I do know that it is Dealey inspired and he designed it with Jana with the thought that he wanted a cool/modern way for me to have my Dealey with me when I'm working or away from him. I'll definitely post a picture when I get it!

Matt took a picture of me singing a two weeks ago on stage and I just remembered I said I'd post a picture when I got one. I got to sing yesterday as well and each week it becomes more and more fun. love it! Hope all the mom's had a wonderful Mother's Day as well, don't forget to thank your husbands for remembering to make the day special!

I missed my Wordless Wednesday yesterday, but I swear I have a good reason. For those of you who don't know I started a new job on Monday. I used to be on staff full time at our church, Firewheel and last Friday Jeff, the pastor, called me in for what I thought was a meeting to chat about some freelance work. However he had a different plan in mind and he offered me my job back. Needless to say I was very humbled by the idea that I would even be asked back. Not that I left on bad terms or anything but you don't often hear of people being offered jobs back at prior places of employment no matter how they left. So with little thought I said yes. I'm still working out the details of what we're going to do with Dealey (thankfully my parents are here right now and have gracious stepped in to take care of my little man) but I am so far enjoying having adult and quite time again. So you see, it's been a very busy week and said events caused me to miss my Wordless Wednesday photo...so here it is, Wordless Wednesday on Thursday.


Dealey was telling and showing us how much he loves his milk. Boy can he pack the milk away I think he'd drink it all day if we would give it to him. We've started the transition from formula to milk and D loves it! He's definitely a boy after his daddy's heart matt's a milk lover in some way I don't even pretend to understand.

Last weekend we had a great day celebrating Dealey's friend Grayson's bday. They had it at a bounce house in McKinney. We'll definitely have to remember this for D's 2nd birthday! D had so much fun crawling around and up and down and around this first picture is particularly funny because D's got a funny look on his face but also if you look in the background you can see Maggie wiping out on this foam rocking duck...hilarious!

Dealey had a few first too. He wore a birthday hat for the first time, sat in a big kid seat with out a safety belt of any sort and had his first piece of pizza. He devoured it and would have eaten more if we had given it to him. We didn't let him have a cupcake because we're saving that first for his birthday. However Mag's went in full face to hers and these pictures are too great not to share!

OMG! I love singing. I wanted to update about my previous post. I have sang the last two Sundays at church. The first time was scary but really great. However, today was awesome. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. I'll get Matty to take a picture some Sunday so I can post it. I feel it's a huge step for me in many ways because there are so many things I'm scared to do because of failing at them and singing was on that list. But I definitely have a renewed sense of hope when I think about my "things I'm too scared to do but have to do someday" list.

Have you put yourself out there lately? You just might surprise yourself!

Today was an AMAZING day! We welcomed Ethan Douglas Brown into this crazy world. Thea had an awesome labor. Well, as awesome as it can be. Yesterday at her dr. appt. she was at a 3 but feeling good. This morning about 4 am she started having contractions. They went to the hospital this morning about 10ish and after admission they checked her out and she was a 7! They got her in fast and hooked up. She had Ethan after only 30 mins of pushing at 2:02. Welcome Ethan, we are so excited you're here. I know your mom and dad are too. Now the fun begins! You came out throwing peace signs, we knew you were going to be a cool kid! Here's some sweet pics of Ethan of course there will be more in the days, weeks, months and years to come!

where's dealey?

oh, there he is!

FEELING PUNCHY : Craftiness has seemed to ooze out of my mind lately I recently did another little project that actually turned out pretty cool. It was really easy. I got a butterfly punch and attacked scraps of paper and old crate & barrel magazines for cool textures and colors. Then using raised sticks I put them on this frame folding the edges up to give them some dimension. Friends keep asking where the idea came from and I'm not sure I know I saw it somewhere, wish it was my idea but it wasn't. I have a few other "punch" projects in the works and in my mind and will share when I see how they turn out!