Wednesday, July 23, 2008

MY FIRST ROOMMATE TOLD ME THE FIRST NIGHT " RACHEL, WHENEVER YOU FEEL DOWN A BOUT BEING IN THIS PLACE JUST REMEMBER IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ON A PLANE AND THE STEWARDESS SAYS MOMS IF YOU ARE TRAVELING WITH SMALL CHILDREN PUT YOUR MASK ON FIRST THEN HELP THE CHILD...RACHEL, YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR MASK ON NOW SO YOU CAN BE HERE FOR YOUR FAMILY LATER.....

SO YEAH I SAID ROOMMATE I'VE SPENT THE LAST FEW WEEKS AT THE CRISIS PSYCH CENTER AT THE RRMC BECAUSE I TRIED TO TAKE MY LIFE. I THOUGHT LONG AND HARD ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT TO WRITE THE THIS POST AND DECIDED I HAD TO GET THIS OUT OF ME I NEEDED TO SHARE NO MATTER HOW PERSONAL IT IS BECAUSE I'M NOT ASHAMED TO SAY I'VE GOT PROBLEMS BECAUSE I'M DEALING WITH THEM I'VE GOTTEN HELP EVEN THOUGHT IT WAS WITH RESISTANCE AT FIRST AT I'M HOME NOW AND WORKING HARD EACH DAY TO RESIST THE URGE TO HURT MYSELF AGAIN AND TO MOVE FORWARD WITH MY LIFE. I WANTED TO WRITE THIS TOO TO APOLOGIZE TO MY FRIENDS FOR BEING DISHONEST ABOUT THE PERSON I AM FOR HIDING MY EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS FROM YOU FOR SAYING YES WHEN I WISHED TO SAY NO FOR GIVING UP MY SELF VALUE FOR THE SAKE OF ACCEPTANCE, I KNOW NOW IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE ME AND WHILE I STRUGGLE TO FIND A WAY TO LOVE RACHEL HELL, EVEN LIKE RACHEL IT'S SOMETHING I'M WORKING TO DO.

MATT AND I WILL BE MAKING SOME CHANGES IN OUR LIFE ABOUT ACTIVITIES WE PARTICIPATE IN, IN ORDER TO NOT STRETCH OURSELVES SO THIN SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL IF WE SAY NO WE LOVE OUR FRIENDS WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE THIS ALL OUT. I HAVE 6 MONTH TO A YEAR (AT LEAST) OF THERAPY AHEAD OF ME AND THAT'S ONLY IF I HAVE NO RELAPSES.

I WANT TO THANK SOME VERY SPECIAL NEW FRIENDS OF MINE FROM 4SW @ RRMC RUEBEN, WALLACE, MARY, KENDRA, BETH, KATIE, STEPHANIE, ARIANA, ADRIENNE, CASIE, BLAKE, MAC, EDWIN, KEN , MO ,MYRON, KAHTRYN, MISTY AND MANY MORE FOR MAKING LIFE MORE BEARABLE DURING MY LONG AND FRUSTRATING STAY.

THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO WAS SHARE A POEM WITH YOU GUYS THAT I WROTE WHILE I WAS IN THERE CALLED...

ISOLATION


I'M LOCKED IN HELL ON EARTH
CAGES ON THE WINDOWS
SOULS THIRST FOR REBIRTH
DARKNESS LOOMS DAY & NIGHT
IN & OUT OF GROUPS I STUMBLE
FOR MY LIFE & MIND I FIGHT
INNER SCREAMS OF PAIN & FEAR
REALITY IS WHAT WE LIVE HERE
NO TIME TO SUGAR COAT THE TRUTH
WE ARE WHO WE ARE
DOWN TO THE VERY ROOTS
ISOLATED & RESTLESS THE NIGHTS PASS SLOWLY
I LAY WISHING I WAS ANYWHERE BUT HERE
WISHING I WAS OUT THESE CAGED WALLS
WHERE ON MY OWN
I MUST TRY NOT TO FALL

13 comments:

Jason, Allison & Charlotte said...

*insert biggest hug ever, here*

Kim and JD said...

I am still here, still thinking about you, still praying for you!
I am sure that was hard to post, but you did it for the right reasons, I am proud of you.

Jason, Patty, & Eliana Grace said...

We love you and will be praying for you.

Shealynn Benner said...

hugs & kisses, Rach!! Praying for you. Know that you are special to me, and i love you.


shey

Chad and Megan said...

I love you Rachel! You would not believe how much I brag about you. Even though you may not see it sometimes, I think you are one of the most spectacular people I know. God has given you so many gifts. I can't wait to see you tomorrow!! I love you! Megan

Renee & Sheldon said...

We are praying for you Rachel, you are special to all of us and we love you! I'm sure this was hard to post but it will make you stronger in the long run. Hugs!

ferniBlog said...

Our hearts are breaking for you...please let us know what we can do to support you! We are praying! Depression is so real and such a powerful struggle...we are so thankful that you are working your way through it and getting help. (((HUGS)))

Aron & Suz said...

sweet friend, honesty is the quality i love most about those around me and i cheer you for letting us in. thanks for letting me be a part of this journey. keep pushing in to the darkness and you will find Light. i have been there and there is Hope.

i love you so.

Rick & Michelle said...

You are showing so much courage to write about your feelings and then share with everyone. Prayers, positive thoughts to you, and continued successes in courage are being sent your way.

Brad and Tammy said...

Hey woman,
Know that we are praying for you and that you are constant on our minds. Let me know if we need another one of our 'driveway talks' and I'll come running. We love you so much.
Ephesians 6:10-18

Steve and Shan said...

Steve and I are praying for you! I know that must have been a hard post to write--thank you for sharing it with us. You are dearly loved, Rachel. When Steve and I think back to our time in Dallas, we think of you and Matt and how special you guys are to us.

Christina said...

Prayers and hugs, prayers and hugs, prayers and hugs, prayers and hugs, prayers and hugs, prayers and hugs, prayers and hugs, prayers and hugs...

Love you,

Christina

wilderlamb said...

Rachel,
I missed you so much while I was gone (which kind of makes me laugh since we haven't hung out much!) but I am so sad that you were going through this and I didn't have any idea. I am praying for you and thinking about you.
YOU ARE ALOUD TO SAY NO! WE WILL ALL STILL LOVE YOU! You are an amazing person and I feel privileged to call you my friend.
Nicole