I KNOW IF I ASKED ANY OF MY CHRISTIAN FRIENDS OR A "BELIEVER" HOW TO FIND COMFORT THEY'D SAY JESUS OR GOD, PRAYER OR THE BIBLE BUT WHAT IF FOR ONCE YOU WANTED OR NEEDED SOMETHING MORE TANGIBLE? WHO OR WHAT DOES THE NONBELIEVER TURN TO IN TIME OF NEED? I LOVE THE SONG ANGEL BY SARAH MCLACHLAN AND LISTENED TO IT TODAY THE LYRICS HAVE JUST STRICKEN SUCH A CORD WITH ME THE LAST FEW MONTHS IN MY SEARCH FOR COMFORT AND PEACE IN SIDE A MIND THAT FEELS SO TORTURED. WHERE WOULD YOU TURN FOR COMFORT? A FRIEND? SPOUSE? A SUBSTANCE?

REFLECT ON THE LYRICS FOR A MINUTE TO SEE A BIT OF INSIGHT INTO MY HEART.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

MY FIRST ROOMMATE TOLD ME THE FIRST NIGHT " RACHEL, WHENEVER YOU FEEL DOWN A BOUT BEING IN THIS PLACE JUST REMEMBER IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ON A PLANE AND THE STEWARDESS SAYS MOMS IF YOU ARE TRAVELING WITH SMALL CHILDREN PUT YOUR MASK ON FIRST THEN HELP THE CHILD...RACHEL, YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR MASK ON NOW SO YOU CAN BE HERE FOR YOUR FAMILY LATER.....

SO YEAH I SAID ROOMMATE I'VE SPENT THE LAST FEW WEEKS AT THE CRISIS PSYCH CENTER AT THE RRMC BECAUSE I TRIED TO TAKE MY LIFE. I THOUGHT LONG AND HARD ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT TO WRITE THE THIS POST AND DECIDED I HAD TO GET THIS OUT OF ME I NEEDED TO SHARE NO MATTER HOW PERSONAL IT IS BECAUSE I'M NOT ASHAMED TO SAY I'VE GOT PROBLEMS BECAUSE I'M DEALING WITH THEM I'VE GOTTEN HELP EVEN THOUGHT IT WAS WITH RESISTANCE AT FIRST AT I'M HOME NOW AND WORKING HARD EACH DAY TO RESIST THE URGE TO HURT MYSELF AGAIN AND TO MOVE FORWARD WITH MY LIFE. I WANTED TO WRITE THIS TOO TO APOLOGIZE TO MY FRIENDS FOR BEING DISHONEST ABOUT THE PERSON I AM FOR HIDING MY EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS FROM YOU FOR SAYING YES WHEN I WISHED TO SAY NO FOR GIVING UP MY SELF VALUE FOR THE SAKE OF ACCEPTANCE, I KNOW NOW IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE ME AND WHILE I STRUGGLE TO FIND A WAY TO LOVE RACHEL HELL, EVEN LIKE RACHEL IT'S SOMETHING I'M WORKING TO DO.

MATT AND I WILL BE MAKING SOME CHANGES IN OUR LIFE ABOUT ACTIVITIES WE PARTICIPATE IN, IN ORDER TO NOT STRETCH OURSELVES SO THIN SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL IF WE SAY NO WE LOVE OUR FRIENDS WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE THIS ALL OUT. I HAVE 6 MONTH TO A YEAR (AT LEAST) OF THERAPY AHEAD OF ME AND THAT'S ONLY IF I HAVE NO RELAPSES.

I WANT TO THANK SOME VERY SPECIAL NEW FRIENDS OF MINE FROM 4SW @ RRMC RUEBEN, WALLACE, MARY, KENDRA, BETH, KATIE, STEPHANIE, ARIANA, ADRIENNE, CASIE, BLAKE, MAC, EDWIN, KEN , MO ,MYRON, KAHTRYN, MISTY AND MANY MORE FOR MAKING LIFE MORE BEARABLE DURING MY LONG AND FRUSTRATING STAY.

THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO WAS SHARE A POEM WITH YOU GUYS THAT I WROTE WHILE I WAS IN THERE CALLED...

ISOLATION

I'M LOCKED IN HELL ON EARTH
CAGES ON THE WINDOWS
SOULS THIRST FOR REBIRTH
DARKNESS LOOMS DAY & NIGHT
IN & OUT OF GROUPS I STUMBLE
FOR MY LIFE & MIND I FIGHT
INNER SCREAMS OF PAIN & FEAR
REALITY IS WHAT WE LIVE HERE
NO TIME TO SUGAR COAT THE TRUTH
WE ARE WHO WE ARE
DOWN TO THE VERY ROOTS
ISOLATED & RESTLESS THE NIGHTS PASS SLOWLY
I LAY WISHING I WAS ANYWHERE BUT HERE
WISHING I WAS OUT THESE CAGED WALLS
WHERE ON MY OWN
I MUST TRY NOT TO FALL

* HAPPY 4TH FROM THE DEALEY MONSTER *