a new thing.....dealey had his first school pictures taken at MDO a few weeks ago and look how cute he is. he did so good for the first school pics of many to come! I love the smirk on his face i think it makes him look even more like me. sorry matt. i also can't believe they got him to sit still and look at the camera even though it was pre-haircut (see below) he looks so grown up.

it had to be done.....yes I cut dealey's hair the wings where out of control now he looks like a little man. I know so of you loved the wild hair and we did too but it just seemed like time to let go of the baby curls, at least some of them.....

PUMPKIN FUN...because of my self loathing lately i haven't shared many dealey pics or dealey happens he's grown so much. he's nearly 3ft tall now which is just crazy and talking up a storm. granted most of it is still giberish but it cracks him up! Earlier this week my mom and i went to the Arboretum to check out the pumpkins and walk and I got some great pics of the d man and wanted to share them with everybody. At first he wasn't too interested in the pumpkins he just wanted to play with the clasp on the stroller but he got into after a while once he saw all the other kids playing and having fun. after the pumpkins we wandered over to the water frogs (which d loves) and splashed and played in the water until i got tired of chasing him around...he was soaked.

MISSING NY & FRIENDS...this time of year is why you move to NY. I was reminded of this when my sweet friend Christine sent me pictures from when they went apple picking a few weeks ago. Something we did with Dealey last year just before we left in NY. side not can you believe we've been back a year? i can't. I wish we had beautiful rolling country sides where we could pick apples and enjoy the company of friends while basking in the cool sunshine a crisp autumn day. doesn't that sound just perfect. i miss ny & our friends christine, steve & eva. sigh....texas may have some great things but it's seriously lacking in areas. check out the pics who wouldn't want to be where they are?

so it's been months of well let's just be honest sad and pathetic post, but thanks to lovely meds that are finely working and the power of optimism i have to throw out there my new look on life. i choose happiness. that short and rather simple phrase has given me a whole new outlook on life. I haven't looked forward to the future in a long time and now I can't wait to see what happens. so join in the joy and wake each morning and choose happiness.

It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future, and impossible to live in the past.
Nothing is as far away as one minute ago.

talentless. have you ever wished you were something or somebody else? had something others had not in an obsessive or envious way but just curious what it would be like? i wish i could be ordinary. i long to not be tortured and drug down by an endless number of creative ideas. i wish i could ask other people how to do stuff instead of knowing how to do so much. i wish i was talentless. even if for a day. i've joked for months about making a tshirt that said talentless so people would never ask me anything. not sure if it would actually work but i think it's time for that tshirt to become a reality before the insanity of my creative mind drives me over the edge. i am now at the point where i can barely sit still to even write this post i have to be doing something every minute of every day. i've heard it's the minds way of coping with anxiety but i don't know if it's healthy just seems a bit maddening at the moment. what would you want to change about yourself if you could be something or someone different for a day?

I SURVIVED my first sunday football game....but only because we were joined by a few friends they made it bareable, so thank you friends. I have lots to write but can't seem to find the patience to sit down and let it out. so here's a short version. therapy seems to be going no where fast but i'm not giving up and meds still aren't working but my psychiatrist now believes they misdiagnosed the depression and anxiety and i'm actually bipolar. it's a hard truth to swallow but really right now i just want to get my meds right so i can feel better and feel like rachel again. i fear it may destroy my whole world if i don't find some answers soon, some people are being rather impatient and i just feel like a failure......and so we begin another week taking one day at a freaking time.

no love for sunday or monday....that's right it's my least favorite season....football season. Matt even has Dealey all decked out in Cowboy's gear ready to go and grooming him to be the next Romo. Needless to say Matt will be MIF on sunday afternoon's and monday nights for the foreseeable future......sigh and I will be either 1. lonely or 2. forced to endure hours of football.

a stupid little thing called love.....so my therapist today gave me homework to write down reasons i should care about myself, love myself and believe that i have self worth. sigh. needless to say it's a horrible assignment and i'm left scratching my head and cussing his name. no i'm not asking you to tell me why i should give a rats ass about myself but i am curious why other's love themselves and believe in their self worth. if you don't want to leave it as a comment you can always email me but either way, how do people love themselves?

people hate : that's what i have a general hate of people. they lie, steal and cheat you every chance they get and just when you begin to let your guard down something that seems small can fuel the fire of hate. yeah it's a strong word but i'm tired of being hurt by people even worse by strangers. what happened you ask? well i bought a bunch of bath and body works soaps and lotions to put in the bathrooms at the church we keep all that stuff along with extra towels in the cleaning closet for the team to put out on Sunday's i went to get it all because i'm actually going to put it all out this week and it was gone....the cleaning people who come to clean the church took it....soap and lotion, they took soap and lotion, who does that and who takes from a church? ugh, i hate people.

creating a place of solitude : i've been working on a room at our house that's all my own, my office. a quite place to run away to, to work, to paint, to sew, to play the piano or to just be. I hope to find much peace in my own little slice of solitude. I've already begun my first piece of artwork my first original painting (yes i'll post a pic) and set down and played my piano a number of times....so check out a few pics the poem on the wall i wrote while in the hospital.

" i have to fight for a life worth living "

more blocks it is....i finished these for a client ( and friend ) of matt's and mine, leeann. they came together nicely and while all my other blocks have been fun and colorful. leeann's had an element of elegance to them the other's didn't it was kinda cool. the plan square might seem weird to some but they each had a square and her husband works on jets so that's his and the fluer d le is for her. i'm so done with blocks for a while although i have two more projects in mind for the future but for now i don't even want to hear the word blocks for a while...sigh those darn blocks who's idea where these things anyway?

" if i start with the belief that this world is a f'ed up place, it seems to be much simpler to find reason in the madness..."

FINISHED PROJECTS : WE BOUGHT THIS DRESSER THAT I SWORE TO MATT HAD GOOD BONES BACK IN MAY AND JUST A WEEK OR SO AGO FINALLY FINISHED THE REMIX OF IT. IT IS FOR OUR BEDROOM WHICH WE'RE DOING BLACK & WHITE WITH A SPLASH OF PINK WE TOOK THE TOP TWO DRAWERS OUT AND MADE THEM A SHELF FOR THE COMPONENTS OF THE T.V. AND WE USE THE 4 DRAWERS FOR STORAGE OF TOYS & DVD'S IT'S CRAZY HOW GREAT IT TURNED OUT CHECK IT OUT FOR YOURSELF....PS SORRY FOR THE DIRTY CAMERA LENSE :O(

" i can not do everything i've always
done, and that's okay...."


" i think..."

I FINISHED MY FIRST SET OF BLOCKS FOR A CUSTOMER AND WANTED TO SHARE THEM WITH YOU GUYS. I ACTUALLY FINISHED THEM A MONTH OR SO AGO AND I HAVE ANOTHER IN THE WORKS RIGHT NOW THAT I'M HOPING TO FINISH THIS WEEK. IT'S FUN BUT SCARY TO DO SOMETHING SPECIFIC FOR A CUSTOMER I COULD SEE DOING SETS AND JUST SELLING THEM AS IS BUT MAKING THEM SO PERSONAL FOR SOMEBODY HAS BEEN HARD BECAUSE I'M SO SCARED OF SCREWING THEM UP BUT THEY TURNED OUT FAB AND I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH THE NEXT SET.

"life doesn't get easier just because
you wish it to be...."

" i cannot do everything....."

I MET WITH MY THERAPIST TODAY AND HE SAID RACHEL THERE ARE SOMETHINGS YOU NEED TO MENTALLY CLING TO EVERYDAY WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING TO DO WHAT'S HEALTHY FOR YOU LIKE SAYING NO OR NOT FINISHING MY LIST SO I DECIDED THAT I'D START A NEW WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT BLOG POST CALLED "TODAY'S REALIZATION" I THOUGHT TODAY'S WAS PARTICULARLY PROFOUND AND IF I CAN REMEMBER AND ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT, I THINK IT MIGHT CHANGE MY LIFE...