it had to be done.....yes I cut dealey's hair the wings where out of control now he looks like a little man. I know so of you loved the wild hair and we did too but it just seemed like time to let go of the baby curls, at least some of them.....

PUMPKIN FUN...because of my self loathing lately i haven't shared many dealey pics or dealey happens he's grown so much. he's nearly 3ft tall now which is just crazy and talking up a storm. granted most of it is still giberish but it cracks him up! Earlier this week my mom and i went to the Arboretum to check out the pumpkins and walk and I got some great pics of the d man and wanted to share them with everybody. At first he wasn't too interested in the pumpkins he just wanted to play with the clasp on the stroller but he got into after a while once he saw all the other kids playing and having fun. after the pumpkins we wandered over to the water frogs (which d loves) and splashed and played in the water until i got tired of chasing him around...he was soaked.

MISSING NY & FRIENDS...this time of year is why you move to NY. I was reminded of this when my sweet friend Christine sent me pictures from when they went apple picking a few weeks ago. Something we did with Dealey last year just before we left in NY. side not can you believe we've been back a year? i can't. I wish we had beautiful rolling country sides where we could pick apples and enjoy the company of friends while basking in the cool sunshine a crisp autumn day. doesn't that sound just perfect. i miss ny & our friends christine, steve & eva. sigh....texas may have some great things but it's seriously lacking in areas. check out the pics who wouldn't want to be where they are?

so it's been months of well let's just be honest sad and pathetic post, but thanks to lovely meds that are finely working and the power of optimism i have to throw out there my new look on life. i choose happiness. that short and rather simple phrase has given me a whole new outlook on life. I haven't looked forward to the future in a long time and now I can't wait to see what happens. so join in the joy and wake each morning and choose happiness.

It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future, and impossible to live in the past.
Nothing is as far away as one minute ago.

talentless. have you ever wished you were something or somebody else? had something others had not in an obsessive or envious way but just curious what it would be like? i wish i could be ordinary. i long to not be tortured and drug down by an endless number of creative ideas. i wish i could ask other people how to do stuff instead of knowing how to do so much. i wish i was talentless. even if for a day. i've joked for months about making a tshirt that said talentless so people would never ask me anything. not sure if it would actually work but i think it's time for that tshirt to become a reality before the insanity of my creative mind drives me over the edge. i am now at the point where i can barely sit still to even write this post i have to be doing something every minute of every day. i've heard it's the minds way of coping with anxiety but i don't know if it's healthy just seems a bit maddening at the moment. what would you want to change about yourself if you could be something or someone different for a day?

I SURVIVED my first sunday football game....but only because we were joined by a few friends they made it bareable, so thank you friends. I have lots to write but can't seem to find the patience to sit down and let it out. so here's a short version. therapy seems to be going no where fast but i'm not giving up and meds still aren't working but my psychiatrist now believes they misdiagnosed the depression and anxiety and i'm actually bipolar. it's a hard truth to swallow but really right now i just want to get my meds right so i can feel better and feel like rachel again. i fear it may destroy my whole world if i don't find some answers soon, some people are being rather impatient and i just feel like a failure......and so we begin another week taking one day at a freaking time.

no love for sunday or monday....that's right it's my least favorite season....football season. Matt even has Dealey all decked out in Cowboy's gear ready to go and grooming him to be the next Romo. Needless to say Matt will be MIF on sunday afternoon's and monday nights for the foreseeable future......sigh and I will be either 1. lonely or 2. forced to endure hours of football.

a stupid little thing called love.....so my therapist today gave me homework to write down reasons i should care about myself, love myself and believe that i have self worth. sigh. needless to say it's a horrible assignment and i'm left scratching my head and cussing his name. no i'm not asking you to tell me why i should give a rats ass about myself but i am curious why other's love themselves and believe in their self worth. if you don't want to leave it as a comment you can always email me but either way, how do people love themselves?

people hate : that's what i have a general hate of people. they lie, steal and cheat you every chance they get and just when you begin to let your guard down something that seems small can fuel the fire of hate. yeah it's a strong word but i'm tired of being hurt by people even worse by strangers. what happened you ask? well i bought a bunch of bath and body works soaps and lotions to put in the bathrooms at the church we keep all that stuff along with extra towels in the cleaning closet for the team to put out on Sunday's i went to get it all because i'm actually going to put it all out this week and it was gone....the cleaning people who come to clean the church took it....soap and lotion, they took soap and lotion, who does that and who takes from a church? ugh, i hate people.

creating a place of solitude : i've been working on a room at our house that's all my own, my office. a quite place to run away to, to work, to paint, to sew, to play the piano or to just be. I hope to find much peace in my own little slice of solitude. I've already begun my first piece of artwork my first original painting (yes i'll post a pic) and set down and played my piano a number of times....so check out a few pics the poem on the wall i wrote while in the hospital.

" i have to fight for a life worth living "

more blocks it is....i finished these for a client ( and friend ) of matt's and mine, leeann. they came together nicely and while all my other blocks have been fun and colorful. leeann's had an element of elegance to them the other's didn't it was kinda cool. the plan square might seem weird to some but they each had a square and her husband works on jets so that's his and the fluer d le is for her. i'm so done with blocks for a while although i have two more projects in mind for the future but for now i don't even want to hear the word blocks for a while...sigh those darn blocks who's idea where these things anyway?

" if i start with the belief that this world is a f'ed up place, it seems to be much simpler to find reason in the madness..."

FINISHED PROJECTS : WE BOUGHT THIS DRESSER THAT I SWORE TO MATT HAD GOOD BONES BACK IN MAY AND JUST A WEEK OR SO AGO FINALLY FINISHED THE REMIX OF IT. IT IS FOR OUR BEDROOM WHICH WE'RE DOING BLACK & WHITE WITH A SPLASH OF PINK WE TOOK THE TOP TWO DRAWERS OUT AND MADE THEM A SHELF FOR THE COMPONENTS OF THE T.V. AND WE USE THE 4 DRAWERS FOR STORAGE OF TOYS & DVD'S IT'S CRAZY HOW GREAT IT TURNED OUT CHECK IT OUT FOR YOURSELF....PS SORRY FOR THE DIRTY CAMERA LENSE :O(

" i can not do everything i've always
done, and that's okay...."


" i think..."

I FINISHED MY FIRST SET OF BLOCKS FOR A CUSTOMER AND WANTED TO SHARE THEM WITH YOU GUYS. I ACTUALLY FINISHED THEM A MONTH OR SO AGO AND I HAVE ANOTHER IN THE WORKS RIGHT NOW THAT I'M HOPING TO FINISH THIS WEEK. IT'S FUN BUT SCARY TO DO SOMETHING SPECIFIC FOR A CUSTOMER I COULD SEE DOING SETS AND JUST SELLING THEM AS IS BUT MAKING THEM SO PERSONAL FOR SOMEBODY HAS BEEN HARD BECAUSE I'M SO SCARED OF SCREWING THEM UP BUT THEY TURNED OUT FAB AND I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH THE NEXT SET.

"life doesn't get easier just because
you wish it to be...."

" i cannot do everything....."

I MET WITH MY THERAPIST TODAY AND HE SAID RACHEL THERE ARE SOMETHINGS YOU NEED TO MENTALLY CLING TO EVERYDAY WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING TO DO WHAT'S HEALTHY FOR YOU LIKE SAYING NO OR NOT FINISHING MY LIST SO I DECIDED THAT I'D START A NEW WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT BLOG POST CALLED "TODAY'S REALIZATION" I THOUGHT TODAY'S WAS PARTICULARLY PROFOUND AND IF I CAN REMEMBER AND ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT, I THINK IT MIGHT CHANGE MY LIFE...

I KNOW IF I ASKED ANY OF MY CHRISTIAN FRIENDS OR A "BELIEVER" HOW TO FIND COMFORT THEY'D SAY JESUS OR GOD, PRAYER OR THE BIBLE BUT WHAT IF FOR ONCE YOU WANTED OR NEEDED SOMETHING MORE TANGIBLE? WHO OR WHAT DOES THE NONBELIEVER TURN TO IN TIME OF NEED? I LOVE THE SONG ANGEL BY SARAH MCLACHLAN AND LISTENED TO IT TODAY THE LYRICS HAVE JUST STRICKEN SUCH A CORD WITH ME THE LAST FEW MONTHS IN MY SEARCH FOR COMFORT AND PEACE IN SIDE A MIND THAT FEELS SO TORTURED. WHERE WOULD YOU TURN FOR COMFORT? A FRIEND? SPOUSE? A SUBSTANCE?

REFLECT ON THE LYRICS FOR A MINUTE TO SEE A BIT OF INSIGHT INTO MY HEART.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

MY FIRST ROOMMATE TOLD ME THE FIRST NIGHT " RACHEL, WHENEVER YOU FEEL DOWN A BOUT BEING IN THIS PLACE JUST REMEMBER IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ON A PLANE AND THE STEWARDESS SAYS MOMS IF YOU ARE TRAVELING WITH SMALL CHILDREN PUT YOUR MASK ON FIRST THEN HELP THE CHILD...RACHEL, YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR MASK ON NOW SO YOU CAN BE HERE FOR YOUR FAMILY LATER.....

SO YEAH I SAID ROOMMATE I'VE SPENT THE LAST FEW WEEKS AT THE CRISIS PSYCH CENTER AT THE RRMC BECAUSE I TRIED TO TAKE MY LIFE. I THOUGHT LONG AND HARD ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT TO WRITE THE THIS POST AND DECIDED I HAD TO GET THIS OUT OF ME I NEEDED TO SHARE NO MATTER HOW PERSONAL IT IS BECAUSE I'M NOT ASHAMED TO SAY I'VE GOT PROBLEMS BECAUSE I'M DEALING WITH THEM I'VE GOTTEN HELP EVEN THOUGHT IT WAS WITH RESISTANCE AT FIRST AT I'M HOME NOW AND WORKING HARD EACH DAY TO RESIST THE URGE TO HURT MYSELF AGAIN AND TO MOVE FORWARD WITH MY LIFE. I WANTED TO WRITE THIS TOO TO APOLOGIZE TO MY FRIENDS FOR BEING DISHONEST ABOUT THE PERSON I AM FOR HIDING MY EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS FROM YOU FOR SAYING YES WHEN I WISHED TO SAY NO FOR GIVING UP MY SELF VALUE FOR THE SAKE OF ACCEPTANCE, I KNOW NOW IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE ME AND WHILE I STRUGGLE TO FIND A WAY TO LOVE RACHEL HELL, EVEN LIKE RACHEL IT'S SOMETHING I'M WORKING TO DO.

MATT AND I WILL BE MAKING SOME CHANGES IN OUR LIFE ABOUT ACTIVITIES WE PARTICIPATE IN, IN ORDER TO NOT STRETCH OURSELVES SO THIN SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL IF WE SAY NO WE LOVE OUR FRIENDS WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE THIS ALL OUT. I HAVE 6 MONTH TO A YEAR (AT LEAST) OF THERAPY AHEAD OF ME AND THAT'S ONLY IF I HAVE NO RELAPSES.

I WANT TO THANK SOME VERY SPECIAL NEW FRIENDS OF MINE FROM 4SW @ RRMC RUEBEN, WALLACE, MARY, KENDRA, BETH, KATIE, STEPHANIE, ARIANA, ADRIENNE, CASIE, BLAKE, MAC, EDWIN, KEN , MO ,MYRON, KAHTRYN, MISTY AND MANY MORE FOR MAKING LIFE MORE BEARABLE DURING MY LONG AND FRUSTRATING STAY.

THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO WAS SHARE A POEM WITH YOU GUYS THAT I WROTE WHILE I WAS IN THERE CALLED...

ISOLATION

I'M LOCKED IN HELL ON EARTH
CAGES ON THE WINDOWS
SOULS THIRST FOR REBIRTH
DARKNESS LOOMS DAY & NIGHT
IN & OUT OF GROUPS I STUMBLE
FOR MY LIFE & MIND I FIGHT
INNER SCREAMS OF PAIN & FEAR
REALITY IS WHAT WE LIVE HERE
NO TIME TO SUGAR COAT THE TRUTH
WE ARE WHO WE ARE
DOWN TO THE VERY ROOTS
ISOLATED & RESTLESS THE NIGHTS PASS SLOWLY
I LAY WISHING I WAS ANYWHERE BUT HERE
WISHING I WAS OUT THESE CAGED WALLS
WHERE ON MY OWN
I MUST TRY NOT TO FALL

* HAPPY 4TH FROM THE DEALEY MONSTER *

D's : BIRTHDAY what a day it was we had a great turn out of wonderful friends and family. D got tons of presents even though no one was supposed to bring them and he had a blast. Loved is cupcake and ate the entire thing. The first bite was tentative and he looked at us like can I really have this?! But it didn't take long before he tore it up. A couple of other great moments were when is great aunt Jeri played his birthday song which was "we have to fight for the right to party"! She's nuts but he loved it, next year there will be video of him dancing to it. He got a ROMO jersey from his daddy which he loves and a cool push/ride on cars car from his uncle Chris. Plus shoes and clothes and toys galore and oh, aunt Jeri also got us a car that makes noise and yeah it doesn't have an off button. who's genius idea was that? The kids splashed in the water and i did a life size cutout of Aliza (our dear friends daughter) because she couldn't be there and it freaked so many people out but she made it around in lots of pictures and appeared to have a blast the whole night! So here's a handful of pictures from his first birthday. If you check out my sister-in-laws blog there is a little video of D dancing with his uncle Chad, it's about two or three post down. Enjoy.

Love this next picture, the 3 cousins : Ella, Dealey & Ethan (he's snoozing in the background)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.....not to steal D's thunder or anything but it's my birthday and it seems on your birthday you're supposed to take time to reflect on your life where you've been and what you hope for in the future. And besides this is my blog, not Dealey's despite his clams to ownership. So I'm 29. Yeah it's been 29 years since I graced this planet and while I've never been sure of my purpose here I suppose I have accomplished quite a bit and should feel good about those things. I don't know what the future holds for me and honestly I don't know if I care. I think we all get to those moments where we're good to just live each day. I'm at that moment where the future does nothing but frustrate and exhaust me and honestly I don't know if I'm up for it. So today is happy 29th tomorrow is....I don't know.

12 months & on the move....no dealey's not walking yet though he's taken a few steps on his on. he is always moving, climbing, crawling and coasting. I'll have more of an update later but I wanted to get his 12 month bumbo posted.

on the rachel front, I had my lumbar puncture today and it went pretty well, we do not know much yet but will have a follow up with the dr later this week. i'm at home resting and taking pain meds to ease the discomfort. I'll keep the blog updated as I find out more.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEALEY! i can't believe our little man is a year old! I have tons of pictures from his party to share but that'll be another post. I also have his 1 year bumbo picture I'll try to upload that later this week. As happy a week it is in Dealey's world it's a bit grim for me. I have a lumbar puncture scheduled for tomorrow morning that will hopefully alleviate the pain and pressure I've been living with. happy 29th to me huh? Here's a sweet picture of our little man in the pool, one of his most favorite things to do.

halloween in may : a little spider tale This isn't some great story but here's the deal. I stupidly bought a halloween costume last october not knowing how my kid would grow and I got a 12-18 month. If logic pertained to kids it makes sense he'll only be 16 months in October so surely it would fit right? Well as he grew and we realized at 9 months when he was wearing 12-18 month clothes this was definitely going to be a problem. So I made a mental note that as summer came we were going to have to try it on at some point and get pictures because there is no way he'll be wearing it for halloween.

We were all playing in his room one afternoon and I glanced at his closet and noticed the spider costume, I looked at Matt and told him we should try that on him and take pictures if it fits. It looks so huge on the hanger but in fact it fit him quite well a little baggy in the legs because he's skinny but length wise fit him pretty perfect. Dealey was no amused even a little that we were trying to put him in this strange out fit with parts sticking off of it, but he was a good sport and you'll see, he even at the end of it was still offering the camera his sippy cup.
He did make a cute little spider, now I have to find a new costume. This one is for sale if anyone wants it ($10), only worn once for about 15 minutes! I wonder size he'll actually be wearing in October, we'll see. My guess 18-24 but I could be wrong as we've already begun to buy and wear that size now granted they're a little big but not by much.
Since I'm writing I'd thought I'd do a little Dealey update while I'm at it. He turns one in just under a week, which is so cool. He currently has 5 teeth on top coming in all at once, it's been a joy :oO. I got him this little play cell phone so he'd leave mine alone (works every once in a while) and he loves to pick it up and he will sit in the floor and have a full on conversation with no one, it cracks me up and of course he's speaking some crazy language so that makes it all the more interesting. He climbs on and over everything. I do think he looks for the toughest route sometimes and choose to take it. He is moments away from walking he's down to holding one hand and is very steady when he is on his feet. He's stood alone a few times when he excitedly grabs a toy with both hands. One thing I'm totally fascinated by is how he has figured things out. How they work how things go in things, the opening of the cell phone and holding it to his ear, grabbing the remote for the tv and pointing it at the tv while pushing multiple buttons at one time. We didn't teach him these things he just...figures them out.

We're having a big birthday party for him this weekend so I'll have lots of pictures to post after that, which will include some shots of our backyard looking so pretty which we are so excited about and the renovated guest bath which looks gorgeous! Now the spiddy pics!

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, as if anyone is checking, but let's pretend you are....so sorry. I still need to do my Halloween in May post even though it's now June :o( But wanted to blog a short post about a new blog that I love it's a baby blog and they talk about all sorts of cool stuff, best thing, there is a coupon tab for different websites. What I love most is that these aren't your typical baby spots, their more unique and interesting! Check it out when you get a chance it's the first link under my inspirations or click here: Luxury Baby Blog